Thursday, December 07, 2006

Reality kinda sucks

I am not sure I am handling this well. I cry at least once a day, and thats on a good day. I am angry too, angry with my dad for not fighting harder to stay with me. Selfish thoughts I know, but I cant seem to help it. Everything EVERYTHING is a trigger for me to get all emo. Tuesday driving back from lunch to work I somehow got stuck IN a funeral procession. Yesterday I was reading blog comments on another blog and someone quoted the Pie song from the Movie Michael and I cried. Pie was my dads absolute favorite food in the world. He told me one time they lived near a bakery when he was a kid and the guy would sell him the old pies for like a penny and he would sit on a curb outside and eat the whole thing. Yesterday at work I was doing something boring and repetitive, and my mind would wander and I get upset again! Even my friend HBO is a trigger, they are playing Walk the Line, the movie I gave him for fathers day this year. I know its only been a week and a 1/2 but when does the pain go away??? I was Talking to Friend that lost her mom, sister, dad and brother all this year and she said she had felt angry at her sister after she died. Angry because her sister stopped eating and stopped figting the cancer. So I guess Anger is a part of this, I dont know.

Oh I just read the Kubler Ross Grief Cycle and Anger is a one of the Cycles. So I am ok I guess LOL.

I am trying to stay upbeat though. LOL it sure doesnt look like it in this post but really I am. Honest!



Blogger me said...

What you are going through is completely normal. Yes, it will get easier with time, but you are understandably going through a hard time right now. It'll be ok....just remember ONE DAY AT A TIME.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Mushy said...

Anger is part of it and it will pass. Best advice is to keep crying it out.

The pain - it only gets covered up by good memories.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Mel, I wish I was there to give you a big ol' hug and make you smile!I did post some funnnies though. I wish I could tell you how long it will take and I will tell what my friend Jana told me: 1000 days. In 1000 days you will be feel a lot better. Hope that helps. It did help me to put an end date to the pain. Just an arbitrary number I know but something to look forward to anyways.

10:39 AM  
Blogger keeks said...

Mel, all your thoughts are completely normal. Anger and then guilt for being angry, and then sadness that you have to feel this way because it's not fair that your Dad died.... From my experience, the pain may never go away, it might get a little less sharp and in your face though. You'll pull through, just don't force yourself to do it too fast. If you need to be sad, be sad. There's no rush to feel better!

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just going to tell you about the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross grief scale, but you had already found it. You are quite normal, Mel. The good news is you will move through the entire cycle until you reach the acceptance stage. Then you'll find peace with it all.

So feel free to be angry and to cry. It's okay. If you didn't, well, now THAT would be abnormal.

2:32 PM  
Blogger Ms.L said...

That picture portrays exactly how I feel too. Although mine's for a different reason.
I'm sorry you're feeling all this.
It sucks and it's just so damn painful.
I don't have anything insightful to add to what's already been said here except to say I'm thinking about you.

6:06 PM  
Blogger nicki said...

awww Mel...i'm gonna say just about the same as everyone else has said...what you are feeling IS normal...and you need to give yourself the liberty OF feeling it...whether it is anger...and guilt...or just sad...and time..your feelings won't be as raw and close to the surface...and you will be able think of your dad...and smile...i PROMISE you that :) love love *hugs*

6:30 PM  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

Anger is a part of it, there is so much that is a part of it. And sweetie - it's okay to cry - even at work - cry when you want and don't feel like you should be "over it", It takes time - lots of time.


11:54 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

All of that is absolutely normal. I'm sorry, but the pain doesn't go away. It gets easier to handle and in time, you will find yourself smiling or laughing when you think of your dad.

2:49 PM  
Blogger Spider Girl said...

*Hugs from me*

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Healing is a slow thing. Not to discourage you..but I found myself dreaming of my grandma (the only mom I grew up with) for 2 years. I'd dream she was with me and suddenly I'd remember she was not supposed to be there and she'd vanish. I'd wake with my pillow saturated. It does take time. Pray for endurance and to be sustained through this difficult time.

1:56 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Mel, you are totally normal. I cried every day for at least two weeks. I even woke up some morning and would tell myself, "I am not going to cry today" and I never won that game I was playing with myself.

You may want to look into some grief counseling for yourself. I am in the process myself, and it is helpful. I can give you some links if you would like.

12:51 PM  

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