Sunday, May 20, 2007

What happened 4 years ago.

Vegas Princess asked why my kids don't live with me anymore. It occurred to me that I have not blogged this story, but its a big part of who I am. I am a bit bitter about this, and please consider you are only hearing my side of this story. My Ex I am sure has a whole different story. And my kids may have a whole different take on this.

Anyway, its an old story. My ex and I divorced and it was in no way amicable. These people that say they remain friends with their exes? I envy them and I wonder how do they do it (Bruce Willis and Demi Moore come to mind but am sure there are lots of others). My ex resented having to pay child support big time. He pulled crap like writing "bitch" on his check under pay to the order of, and accused me of living the high life off this money. Which is ridiculous, anyone who is raising kids know how expensive they are. Anyway. I met and Married the Canadian and moved from Virginia to South Carolina and I took my kids with me. From the time we moved he worked on the kids, trying to get them to move back with him (we had joint custody, I had physical). The kids were never really happy here, they loved Richmond and missed it (so did i and I still do)
Anyway, that was 10 years ago. 4 years ago my daughter and I were butting heads, she was 15 and pretty stubborn. Not a bad kid but just a teenager. I had just gotten out of the hospital from Heart failure and I had almost died twice so I was pretty weak and she springs on me during an argument that they had decided to move back with their dad. I let them go for several reasons, I was too tired and weak still to argue and they were old enough to make their own decisions. I told them if that's what they wanted well then OK. I had another reason. They thought of him as the fun guy, the dad that only saw them on weekends, let them stay up late with no rules...always taking them out to fun things. They didn't remember living day to day with him and how he was. I wanted them to learn that he is not the fun guy when you live with him. Oh boy have they learned that big time. He made them promises to get them move that he never fulfilled. He remarried and I thought he would finally not be so angry about the divorce but he still is to this day. We never speak anymore. He and his family came to my dads funeral and that was the last time I spoke with him.

In retrospect I would have done things alot differently, I would have said no to them moving. But one good thing has come out of this, my daughter and I have a way better relationship. Now that I am not the one enforcing the rules we get along so well. We talk to each other several times a day and I am the first person she calls when something happens. My son and I have always had this bond, its a mother/son thing but we don't speak as often as stuffgirl and I do.

That's the whole boring story. Typical divorce tale I guess. But Stuffgirl and her dad have been butting heads now, and she may move back here for the summer. I will let her use my old car I cant part with yet and I even have a job for at my work. She says she is going to come but I am trying not to get too excited, in case it doesn't happen. She still has alot of friends here and they are all after her to come so I hope so. Since she is adult now there wont be any rules to enforce and I really hope it happens.



Blogger Lynda said...

Ah, Mel, that sucks. You know, hindsight is 20/20, but if you didn't let them move with their dad, they might have resented you for it. I bet things worked out this way for a reason.

It sounds like they are great kids and I am sure you influence them more than you realize.

11:34 PM  
Blogger Vegas Princess said...

Wow, that is quite the story. I am so sorry you had to go through (are still going thorugh) all that. I am flabbergasted that he would write "bitch" on your childish. Bet you are glad to rid of him.

But it sounds as if, even with all the problems and heartache, that things worked out for the best and you now have a better relationship with your children, which is the most important thing.

11:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sad to hear about your kids...
So, have you been paying your child support to their dad now that they live with him?

12:03 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

He wanted me to pay chold support, but he makes alot of money compared to me. Also I have been in and out of the hospital with other issues and havent been able to work fulltime, and probably wont be able to. IT feels liks I work fulltime though LOL.

5:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a child of divorced parents myself, I'm well aware that child support isn't for fun and games. It's for the mortgage or rent payment, utility bills, grocery bills, and clothes for the kids. A Child support check is NOT a Toys r' Us gift certificate.

6:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... and if I didn't know better, it seems that anonymous' question is rather sly, sarcastic, and pointed. Maybe he's your ex-husband.

6:57 AM  
Blogger fuzzymuffin said...

My dad is horrible about the child support he used to pay. He said we looked like scruffs while my mum was dressed really well. It was true but I don't think he payed as much as he thought he did and we were at the age where we wanted to dress like scruffs!

I have a friend that went to live with her dad, her and her mum get on much better now. I think it's an old assumption that the mum should have the kids while the dad can go out dating, carefree and get on with his life

8:53 AM  
Blogger Jose said...

Funny how kids love to learn aout life the hard way. Hope that your daughter does visit you and that you enjoy eachother now that as you said she is older, and hopefully wiser.

11:42 AM  
Blogger People in the Sun said...

Thanks for the story. I hope you see from the comments you're not alone there. (from a child of parents who probably should have gotten a divorce but stayed together and now their son moved away to the other side of the world so he wouldn't have to be their pawn anymore).

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Slick said...

As you well know, Trish knows your story all too well.

Some things work out and some don't.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

that is so sad, but at least you and your daughter have a good relationship now.

I often wonder how people do it..get divorced and stay 'friends"...what the heck is that? How can they do that? I don't think I could.

It takes a strong woman to let her kids go, and I commend you for it.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Mushy said...

I can completely understand your circumstances.

I am now good friends with my X and her husband. We do things with the granddaughter, laugh, and talk, but it took the reason of age to overcome some of the early conflicts. It was about pride when we split and it was about pride when we argued...pride is a killer of marriages and friendships!

4:28 PM  
Blogger Katherine said...

OH, good luck! I hope she does come spend the summer with you. What a brave and patient mom you are. That was so smart letting them go and see for themselves that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

Dick, I did wonder about that comment too.

Thanks everyone. I dont feel Brave or strong though.

6:26 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

That's awesome that you get along better now. It was probably wise that you let them go because you probably needed to focus on your health anyway. Plus they got a dose of reality.

8:21 PM  
Blogger poody said...

friends with your ex? Hey all my exes are exes for a reason and they can all go to hell! Hell I say!

12:43 PM  

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