Monday, August 25, 2008

Where's Melbo?

I haven't posted in forever. I think I am giving up on this, I have nothing much to say, nothing exciting ever happens. But then I think i wish I had a diary of my dads after he passed and I think maybe my kids would like to see stuff from their mom after I go but I don't know.

I was really very depressed for a while. I am better now I think. I am afraid of losing my friends, I am afraid of dying. I was depressed about everything except my marriage...that at i feel is rock solid. When I get depressed like that I don't feel like writing or talking or doing anything. But like i said I am better now.

I have taken up beading. I am not very good at it but its fun and something creative. I made necklaces for all my dogs with their names and phone #s on them to start, now I am working on anklets and bracelets. I love buying the beads.

My best friend at work left to go back to school, that fueled alot of my depression. I was afraid we would lose touch and we talked every day, several times a day. She knows my fears and really is making an effort, I hope I can keep her friendship...I don't get along with most people. Also my friend Bec is moving to Atlanta, which is better than some of the other scenarios, at least that is closer that the other places her husband had job offers from.

I got new glasses and they are wonderful! I need to have them adjusted better but for now I am giving up those awful hard contact lenses and going back to wearing glasses all the time. My eyes are thankful. I found these sunglasses than go on over your Rx glasses so I don't have spend another 600$ on sunglasses. My cataracts are growing slow so it might be a few years before they are ready for surgery.

My mom depresses me. I am going to hell over this one. I love my mom, she has done so much for me my whole life but she has become this angry unhappy complainer that will do nothing to make her life better. She is such a downer, complains constantly about everything. She had better spirits when she was in the rehab nursing home. I hate talking to her on the phone and if I don't call every day and talk for at least 40 minutes she gets mad at me. Sometimes I just let her get mad because I just cant deal with her especially after i have worked all day. I feel so guilty for the way i feel. My dad would be so disappointed in me.

I got my haircut and they wouldn't take my hair for cancer patients even though it was 12 inches, it was too gray. That depressed me too lol i cant even grow my hair right!

Well enough bitching and moaning....

Later

12 Comments:

Blogger Me said...

Glad to see you back. I missed you! Hang in there, everyone has these moments....sending you a big ol HUG!

9:39 AM  
Blogger Bina said...

I was worried about you. I kept thinking something must have happened to your mom.

And I think older people are generally grumpy and negative. My friends grandmother, who is 90, and still lives on her own is the MOST negative person EVER. I just have to laugh at her.

But I do hope your depression stays away for awhile. It sucks to feel so sad all the time.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Sushiboy said...

Glad your back Mel. I don't think that you should feel like your dad would be disappointed with you. I think he would understand that since he died that your mom has changed. She misses him and you, unfortunately, are bearing the brunt of it. After my folks died I tried really hard to live up to expectations that I imagined my parents would have wanted. It wasn't healthy for me. I still try to live up to their memory, but now I realize I don't have to be a superhero to make them proud.

I don't think that anyone should have to sit through 40 minutes of complaining everyday (unless they get paid for it, and in those cases hopefully the person has some training so it doesn't drag them down too) I think your dad would agree. I don't think he would want you to feel guilty if don't (want to) talk to your mom every day. I'm sure he's proud of how much you do for his sweetheart.

Hang in there!

2:30 PM  
Blogger Superwoman said...

amen to what sushi said, it is true. You are great! I'm glad you're back. I didn't have much to say about the coffee machine since I don't drink coffee so I'm glad you're back! I love craft stuff, you'll have to post a pic of the new haircut and some of the beading stuff, I would love to see it.

3:31 PM  
Blogger Sans Pantaloons said...

Outside of Greyhounds, beading is Mel's new hobby. Inside of Greyhounds, it's too dark to bead.

These are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

[[Hugz]]

6:58 PM  
Blogger Vegas Princess said...

So glad to have you back Mel, I have missed you and was a bit concerned about how you are doing. We all hit some bad patches now and then. This is yours. But you are already pulling out of it and finding new things to occupy your time. The bading sounds lovely. Can we see some samples?

7:33 PM  
Blogger ablondeblogger said...

Bitch and moan away!! I'd rather hear you bitch and moan than not hear from you at all.

I'm so sorry you've been depressed. I have depression too and I know how awful it feels to be in that pit.

We'll all be here for you through it all. (((((HUGS))))

1:59 AM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

Hey Mel. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I feel for you with all you're going through. It's easy to say "I'm sorry for you" or "hang in there", but that doesn't take away your problems, or make them easier to deal with. I will pray for you, and try and send some positive energy your way.

6:25 PM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

... Um, not that I'm criticizing anyone on this page that said "hang in there"...
(damn, I'm always getting myself in trouble).

6:28 PM  
Blogger Sushiboy said...

Its OK Dick I can take it :)

2:09 PM  
Blogger Ms.L said...

Awww Mel:(
I think you are entitled to your feelings about your mother. I don't think you're going to hell,nor do I think your dad would be disapointed in you. You are human,remember? be kind to yourself. It's normal to feel that way! I would too,I know I would.
I hope this all passes quickly.
I know the feeling and it sucks!

Are you going to take some pics of
your beading??? I've always wanted to start but just never got the gumption.

2:51 PM  
Blogger Jose said...

Wow Ok, it's like this. I blog almost daily and only get about 4 to 5 visitors, you don't blog like since foerver and you come back and 11 visitors just like that. Somebody loves you here in blogland. I too miss you and check often to see if you are back.

5:58 PM  

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