And Life goes on......

I think the worst is over but yet I know that isn't true either. Just the knowledge that I can never see or talk with him again...Well its hard. So I will just take things one day at a time.

The funeral service was the best I have ever been too. The guy that gave it knew dad and you could tell. I did have a problem with the open casket. I really don't like that custom at all but that's just me. He had a color guard at the cemetery, and when they played Taps I just about lost it. But he would have happy with everything. Mom insisted on going back to the grave that afternoon so I got pictures of the flowers that were left there. I will post it when I get home and can actually download pictures.

Mom is throwing stuff away, I don't say anything because I guess this is how she is dealing with it. But tonight she was going to throw away an old pocketbook, and I just happened to get it from her. I asked if there was anything in it and she said no. But I looked anyway, it just had 2 old mints in the bottom but when I opened the zipper part there was a $50 bill in it!! So you see what we are dealing with.

My brother is taking care of all her finances but until the death certificates come we cant do a lot. Tomorrow We are taking her to the bank to get my brother added to the account. My brother is pushing big time for us to move back to Virginia and has even offered the Canadian a job (well an interview) where he works, but they cant pay what he makes now and housing is much more expensive here so I don't know. Plus I would have to find a job here, its a BIG decision. While SC has never been home really we have friends there now and I have a job I like that will work around my disability. So I dunno. My kids are THRILLED we are even considering this but I just don't know yet. Can you tell I am torn? I just want things to be the way they were but they never will be that way again.

Thanks for all your comments, they mean so so much to me right now. Can I get a group hug????

Later

The Terrible Horrible really bad day..

We have all had bad days before, but honestly I think Sunday by far was the worst day of my whole life, Today and tomorrow will be really bad ones too. He never came out of the coma and just stopped breathing. He had a DNR from a living will he had done years ago so that was it. My mom and my brother were with him, I was in the bathroom of all places! But when they let us back in after they cleaned him up I knew that was not my dad anymore.

My thankfulness for my dad continued yesterday, he had bought and paid for the burial plot, stone and everything. He also (mom does too) had funeral insurance, he had already picked out and paid for his funeral casket and everything! We still spent about 2 hours at the funeral place but we didnt have to look at caskets or urns or anything. Mom will end up paying maybe 400 out of her pocket after insurance pays and the Veterans benefits kick in. Such a wonderful thing, I knew he done all that but I didnt appreciate it until the time came.

Today is the private family viewing and the recieving at the funeral home. The funeral is tomorrow at 11 at his church. He is having a military service, he was a Korean War veteran. This is so hard, his stuff is all round and its hard. I know most of you have been through this but this is my first close loss. It SUCKS.

The Canadian is coming today, so I will have him to lean on. He lost his dad 11 years ago so he knows. My brother is wonderful, I have a great family.

The kids have been here alot, they are taking it hard too. His grandchildren were everything to him! I always told my kids when he spoiled on them that I didnt know who he was because he was strict with his own kids but treated the grandkids like royalty LOL.

Well I am rambling but it helps to write all this down so bear with me.

Later

Later

Jimmy Bagby July 3 1935- November 26 2006

The waiting game.

I am in Virginia at my parents house, its not looking very good now. He may not come out of this. He is not responding, we dont even know if he knows we are there. He is still in ICU, and the doctors say we are just waiting for the swelling to come down in his brain and then they will know more. My mom is crazy, one minute she is talking about bringing him home and then in the very same breath she talks about what clothes to lay out for him to wear at his funeral!

Its awful to see him like this, I cannot even describe how awful. My dad is so full of life, a jokester and a fighter. I told him today I expected him to fight this and come back to us.

Needless to say all cancer treatments are on hold.

His computer is dialup, so trying to read my blogs is frustrating, I can read a couple before I give up. I love my pogo and it wont work on his computer, something with the Java. Pogo relaxs me when I am stressed, so I am trying to get it work. No pogo and no blogs!! ARGGGG

Anyway, thats what is going on with me. I miss my Canadian and my doggies!! The kids are here though so I am spending lots of time with them. Will update when I can

Later

I'll be gone for a while

The weather was so bad on the east coast yesterday we decided not to drive, instead I am flying to Virginia tonight. I really didn't want to pay that kind of money but at least leaving on thanksgiving day actually seems to have saved me some. I haven't flown since 9/11 so I have all the new rules to abide by. I am planning on staying until Dec 2nd. I decided if I have to pay this much for transportation I am gonna stay a while, and my brother is VERY grateful I will be there, poor guy he is having to do it all and is getting worn down.

Dad is about the same from what I understand, actually I am getting 2 different versions of how is he from my mom and my brother. Today they were planning on getting a speech therapist and a physical therapist to see him to plan on course of treatment, also they said they would move him out of ICU so that's good, right? I a concerned about their finances, dad handled all that because mom just cant anymore and even told I told him he needed to give power of attorney to someone in case something happened to him he but he didn't , so I need to go through all that. I don't think mom will like it but oh well. OH the picture is dad and Stuffgirl out celebrating her graduation last June.

I am having thanksgiving dinner with my friend and her family and she is going to take me to the airport. I wont be in Virginia until 10:48 and have to catch a ride home with the airport shuttle. I will have computer access on dads computer so I'll be able to post some but I doubt I'll have time to read or comment on other blogs.

Happy thanksgiving! Gobble gobble!!

Later

When my brother calls, its bad news.


Last night I had a message on my phone from my brother. We get along just fine but he hates the phone and never calls. You know that feeling of dread you get when you KNOW its bad news? I had that feeling. I KNEW it would be bad. I was almost too chicken to even check the message. But I did. And its bad. My dad had a stroke yesterday and is in ICU. He is paralized on the right side and cant speak but seems to be lucid. They dont know alot right now. I am making plans on getting there. The Canadian agreed to drive me today after I visit the vampires and get (hopefully) permission from my doc for a 7 hour car trip. But the weather is bad and they are saying the roads are bad all the way up there today plus its the busiest travel day of the year. So I may see about going this weekend. I just dont know. I am packed though


Later

Yesterday, 19 years ago, I did one of the 2 best things I ever did.

Does that sentence make any sense?? LOL. Yesterday was Stuffgirl's 19th birthday. Here she is in her usual outfit, jeans and flip flops. I dont know what she will do when flip flops go out of style, she wears them even in the dead of winter!

Suffgirl does not do change well, she was 3 weeks overdue and they finally ended up inducing labor. This was so her, she hates change and wants everything to stay the same, but she is learning life is about change. She also walked at 7 months!!! She doesnt like change but she likes to go go go.

Anyway, thats my girl. I love you stuffgirl with all my heart and I will always be here for you.

Later

Its MONDAY again.

When I am rich and famous I will not do Mondays! LOL

I am pissed off at General Hospital. Yes, the soap opera. I was addicted to Luke and Laura back in the day. I skipped many a college class to watch them and the whole ice Princess thing. Then Genie Francis decided to take some time off and marry a star trek guy and have babies. I am all for that, but I worked and had babies too! NO she decides to only be on GH in sporadic doses., And they have her kidnapped, whatever to explain her absence. Now she has some mental problem, and she cant remember stuff. Lame lame lame. So they bring her back for Luke and Laura to renew the vows, and I get sucked in again, dreaming of a happy ever after for the duo but NOOOOOOOOOO Genie Francis has to go back to Maine to be a mommy. Blech. I say recast the bitch so luke and laura can live on!!! *sigh* I am so not watching that show again.

Today there is a headline on CNN.Com...... PENGUINS BEAT JAMES BOND. Hehe. Thought that was funny.

Happy Monday.

I have fallen and I can't get up!


Well thats not true I was able to get up but I am sore today. My neck is sore, not sure why. I didn't hit my neck. I think I gave myself whiplash LOL!

Nothing really to blog about here. I was invited to reprise the Gal's weekend this weekend since Hubby worked every night but I decided to stay at home, be a good wife and cook for a change, so hubby can take homecooked food instead of frozen entrees. I am a lousy cook. Really bad. Its sad really. Most days I dont even try that hard because I know its gonna suck but yesterday I really tried! My masked potatoes were awful. Anyway I have decided to buy our thanksgiving dinner already cooked. Since Hubby has to work thursday we are celebrating Wendsday after I get off work. And he'll have plenty of leftovers this way. I am going to my friends aunts house for thanksgiving dinner, and I am spending the night. I hope I can talk her into another pedicure on friday!

Hubby says he is going to get me an Ipod for christmas!!! He asked which one I wanted. I like the pink nano but I really want the video feature. Anyway, if you have one weigh in here,. what kind do you have and what do you like/dislike about it?

Later

Medical Bills and Insurance
Canadians that come here will not understand this post. My hubby had a hard time learning about medical insurance when he first moved here, and 9 years later I think he understands a bit more now. I have insurance, I have relatively good insurance. But even though it has paid out a lot for me in past 4 years, I still owe huge gigantic medical bills. If I were OCD over owing money I would be a basketcase. I have advised the hubby never ever to sign anything for me, this is good advice for anyone. Don't let anyone sign for you when you are admitted to the hospital. More advice, bug the crap outta the insurance, and the doctors. My 1st gamma treatment this past summer came to 56,000. Insurance doesn't really want to pay for this. First they requested my medical records. I got a package in the mail from the doc it was my medical records! They mailed them to me and not the insurance. So I made a copy (hey if they sent to me a copy I am keeping a copy) and mailed it to the insurance several months ago. They are still denying the 56,000 saying they need a letter of medical necessity from the doc. GEEZ! So I call the doc s office and she tells me, "Oh we got that request but I called them and told them we didn't see you that day" GRRRRR! I explained no you didn't see me but you sent me to have the treatment that day! The lady was like "OH". She said she would mail it out. I didn't trust her (Gee I wonder why) and called back 2 weeks later and she was very short with me saying she mailed it the day she talked to me. But this bill has not be paid yet, and I really don't have an extra 56, 000 laying around much to my dismay. What I really don't understand is why the insurance paid for the second treatment I had a month after the first treatment with no questions asked!



Anyway I guess the moral of this is, you Canadians have it so good. But since I do medical billing for a group of docs, insurance keeps me in a job! Catch 22 for sure!

Later

And now for something completely different.....

My dad has decided to have the surgery after all. The surgeon convinced him, it seems like the spot in one area and has not spread. They will just take out part of the lung, not all of it. The doctor seems so certain he will get it he says dad wont need Chemo or radiation after. He said he has a 35% chance of survival without the surgery and a 60% chance with it. They wont touch the trachea which dad was concerned about. Now I know very little about this surgery so I will read up this weekend I guess. The surgeon is the head of surgery at this VA hospital so he has to be good right?? I hope he doesn't have a hand tremor like Burke on Greys! So I guess the moral of this story is DON'T SMOKE! Don't start and if you do try to quit, I know its hard, but try. My dad has not had a cigarette in 26 years but he smoked for about 30 years. I know non smokers get this too but why increase your chances?

In other news my co worker is driving me crazy. She hovers over my desk and straightens my papers. This is not new but it just starting getting on my nerves. She keeps eating my snacks too. And even worse, she talks to me a lot. I am not used to that, everyone there knows I like my solitude. But she is good at the work and very helpful, so I feel bad that she gets on my nerves. Some days I just don't want be talked to, ya know?

Later

Wordless Wendsday...Me in the 1980s

I overslept...

Thus have no time for the awe-inspiring post I had planned. But I do have pictures of my my new tile on my kitchen counter and floor. Hubby did all the work but I helped by staying the hell out of the way LOL

Later

Monday Again?????

Lots of Bitching and moaning today....

Sorry! I have known about this for several days now. They changed the Canadian's schedule at work. They put him on shift with a brand new person which is another post, but because his schedule changed, my holidays will suck. He had his week off during thanksgiving so we were going to Virginia to see my parents and he was gonna drop me off and I was going to stay a week. The best part about this plan was because I get the Thursday and Friday of thanksgiving off, I would only have to take 2 vacation days. Well, that and being able to spend the holiday with my family. Now he is working both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so not only can I not go home, but I will spending both days alone!!!!! I am so not happy about that. We spent our first Christmas we were married apart (He was in Canada and I was in Virginia) and I swore I would never be apart from on a holiday again. He'll be here but remember he works 12 hour shifts so he will leave thanksgiving morning at 6 am and wont be home until 8 that night. Sucks!!!! I cant drive myself to Virginia because I only drive up to an hour at a time because my numb painful legs. (I know it doesn't make any sense but they are numb and painful at the same time). And I cant afford to fly.(the cheapest flight I found was $400, how can people afford to fly all the time??) I thought about the train or bus but both require 2 days just for transportation and I can only get off a week at a time. GRRRR!!

My friend invited me to both thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, so I may do that. Thank goodness she asked, or I would really be upset! LOL.

And now my trip to see my parents has been moved back to Dec 6th. I was really hoping to get there this month, frankly I don't know how much time my dad has. That's something I am trying not to think about it but I have to consider it.

One good thing is work, my new boss has been just awesome about all my changing plans, before with my old awful boss I would work myself into a ulcer worrying about asking for time off, she was hateful about it. Things are so different and pleasant there now, its amazing how one person can make a workplace horrible or happy

Later

Project Runway Spoof - Mad TV

I am really missing my project Runway but I found this, its hilarious!!! But you may not appreciate it as much if you are not a runway fan!

WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO its FRIDAY!!!

Its like, so over......

What a week huh? With the election and Rumsy gone and Britney filing for divorce while K-Fed was in Canada talking about how good his marriage was! And Britney out looking HOT! Rumsey and the Prez looking not so hot.

They are called K-Fed FedEX now, hilarious! What a loser. Never knew what she saw in him.

In local news, my dad has not seen a doctor all this week, his next appointment is with the oncologist next Tuesday!! I feel like sceaming! I mean the cancer cells have had a whole week to grow and mulitply with nothing to stop them. ARGG. I just feel like they should be doing something NOW! NOW! NOW!!!

Oh well.

The pictures are my girlfriend' s dog, I snapped them during my gals weekend.

Later

Toes
There you have it the requested picture of my toes. The polish doesnt show up well in any of the pictures I took, I really dont know why. But they are Fabulous, just take my word on it LOL. It was warm enough I wore sandals today to the doctor so everyone could bask in the fabulousness. You see how hard it was to get a good picture, Wylie for some reason just loves licking my toes. I hate it! hehe, it looks like she is biting my toe! Naw she is just being silly.

Biopsy results show my fine nerves are just shot to pieces, thus all the pain. The good news I dont have amyliodous (I have no idea how to spell that) so this wont kill me. The bad news is, there is really not much treatment other than the Gammo treatments and they did not help. So we are going to try a few things, Magnesuim and light treatments. if those dont help there are some drugs he can try along with the Neurontin. He gave me a prescription for one of those walkers with a seat, I am going to wait on bit on that. The walker itself I dont need but the seat for standing in lines since I cant stand for any period of time. I asked him if I would end up in a wheelchair and he said he didnt know. He had a pt who had the same thing and he sent him to him to the mayo clinic and to emory and nothing really helped so he doesnt feel that referring me there would help. SO. Not much has changed, I am in incredible pain every day and can't do alot but hey, I am not dying so thats a good thing. Basically its an auto immune thing.

Anyway I have coupons to cut before grocery shopping. I know, the sheer excitement of my life is making you jealous isnt it???

Later

Running with Scissors

I went and saw this movie this weekend. I read the book about a month ago. I was a bit disappointed in the movie although I don't know why. I guess because they changed it some. I don't know. The book was depressing to me, I wonder how this man could have survived such a childhood and still be sane. It made me appreciate my normal boring parents and my stable childhood. The movie isn't bad at all, its quite good but something was just a bit off. For me.

I did something this weekend I have never done before, I got a pedicure! It was WONDERFUL. I see many more pedicures in my future. I had them put glitter polish over a dusky pink polish and my toes are glittery and pretty! Well, as pretty as toes can be anyway. Its a shame summer is gone, I think everyone I meet should see my toes right now LOL!!

I get my biopsy results tomorrow...I am very nervous.

Later

Like a roller coaster baby baby..

I kinda feel like I have been on roller coaster emotional ride this weekend. I had a blast with my friends, and really overdid it to the point that I am in so much pain this morning! It was worth it though.

The big news is my Dad has decided not to have the surgery. He had several tests last week to see if he can handle the surgery and it was the stress test that decided it. He has a bad heart too (triple bypass and various stents and balloons) and he said it was bad. So bad that he decided no more. He wouldn't even talk to me, he thought I would be mad at him. But I told him it was his decision not mine and I would support him 100%. He said he needed to hear that. I feel like my thoughts on the matter are fueled strictly by selfishness, I want him to fight to stay with me longer but that's what I want and I am not the one going through what he is. This cancer shit is hard core on your emotions.

My daughter called me yesterday, so hysterical I thought someone had died! Turns out her and the boyfriend had a huge fight. I have never heard her quite like that, and never over a boy. I felt so bad for her! I remember feeling like that, my boyfriend all through high school dumped me in my first year of college, about the same age she is now. I remember going into to the shower to cry because my roommate (hated her) told me she was sick of my sniveling. Anyway, I would have loved to take her pain away but all I could do was listen.

Last night was hubbys last night for a week, he'll be off a few days and then on days. I hate it when he is on nights! Anyway, its back to work for me! I have to pay for all the shopping I did LOL

OH I bought that skull lantern on sale at Kirklands for $1.50!!!! Its so cool looking! I love a bargain!

Later

I am off for a girls weekend......

Yes I am going to ignore the laundry and bills and am off to have fun. I plan on

1. laughing too much
2.eating every meal out
3.spending too much money
4. wearing myself out so I will be useless monday

I need this.

Later

Thursday/Friday thirteen


Got this from Jen .

I am always a day behind it seems!

Anyway 13 more exciting facts about me:

1. I will go buy a new watch when the battery dies instead of just replacing the battery. I am hard on watches, so I never go over $20

2. I cannot stand to wear clothes of any kind when I am sleeping.

3. There is always a mountain a laundry at our place. I was able to keep up with it better when the kids were here and I had 3 times the laundry!

4. I read obessively. I am reading 3 books right now...Dry, Daughter of the blood, and Dance of the Gods.

5. I am addicted to my cell phone, yet I rarely get any calls LOL.

6. I am slowly figuring out my MP3 player, and wonder what I did without one.

7. I love gaudy rhinestones and Glitter. All my tops and shoes are some bling on them.

8. I hate to open my bills. Sometimes I am late paying them not because I am broke but because I just hate hate hate dealing with them. I save them in a pile and pay them once a month. Luckily, Hubby is the opposite of me so he pays the mortgage and power bills.

9. I am sickenly prompt.

10. When I was 20, I wanted to have Billy Joel's babies. But then he met Christie Brinkly and I just could not compete with her. I still cant, she looks great no matter how old she gets. I still love me some Billy Joel though. I still cant have him because I keep getting older and he likes them young these days.

11. I stopped coloring my hair 2 years ago. I am rocking the grey hair now baby!

12. When my husband is in a bad mood, it puts me in a bad mood too. But it doesnt work the other way. I can be in a really lousy mood while he is in a chipper happy mood. (he would hate those words LOL he is not a "chipper" kind of guy)

13. I cant think of anything else!!!

Later

Finally!!

I have been trying to post this picture for 3 days now. That is all. I am back to work today and so is hubby. On Nights. *sigh*

Later

Wordy wendsday

Well I was going to post pictures but still am not able to. Every day lately blogger has issues, its very frustrating!

Lots of ghouls and goblins last night, we have maybe 12 candy bars left. I turned off the lights at 8 or there would have been more I am sure. Trick or treating sure has changed from when I was a kid. These days they all hop in cars, trucks or vans and are driven door to door. There were 2 trailers fully decorated full of kids. I am glad the weather was nice for them.

Dad's oncologist is suggesting surgery to remove the one lung. I think this is a good sign, but my parents arent so sure. My mom is dead set against him having surgery. I think an ocologist would not suggest an aggressive step like that if he didnt think it would be best. I am grateful the doctor didnt say there is nothing to do but pallative care. Anyway, he is going to today for pulmonary tests and tomorrow for something, some sort of scan but cant remember what it is called.

One of the preggers gals at work had her baby monday night and I went over yesterday on my lunch break. While I was holding the baby boy my arm starting cramping bad and its been crampy and numb ever since. The doctor said I would start having problems with my arms and hands just like my legs and feet. I really overdid walking yesterday too and am paying today.

See what happens when I cant post pictures??? I get all morose and no fun at all.

Later